Today instead of providing anything remotely useful to the community, I’ve decided I’m just gonna ‘Ave a Good Time. ‘Avin a Good Time is a series here on Spent Glory that focuses on the fun lore, characters, and waskiness of the setting rather than anything competitive. Let’s take a lighthearted look at some of the more egregious disparities between the rules on a model’s card and the physical model itself – how you’d expect it to play vs how it does.

I’m not arguing that the rules should be changed in these cases, and I’m definitely not trying to run an article that reads like “The five biggest screw ups by the WHU design team, RANKED in order – #3 will shock you!“. You know how they say ‘doctors hate him’? This doctor hates whoever came up with that clickbait, and everyone who propagates it.

Now it’s time to get hypocritical!

The five biggest screw ups by the WHU design team, RANKED in order – #3 will shock you!

5) Cephanyr –

The Giant Squid, a model with more heft than the rest of the team combined, the terror of the deep, clocks in at 4 wounds. He’s huge! he’s made of rubber or something! I’m sure he could survive several de-limbing injuries and a nice chop and stab to the dome. Cephalopods have a quite variable cerebral proportional distribution but generally speaking the brains are small and probably hard to hit, and not located in where more mammalian morph fighters might expect anatomically. Give shaboy a couple more wounds! How is this guy not a large fighter SMH

4) Kalexis, the Silvered Blur –

Look, I get it. She’s the fast one, in a fast warband. But she moves 5 hexes to open the game and inspires to move 6! She’s an aelf! How much power do you think those upper legs can really generate? Compare her to other speedsters. Thrafnir, who is literally a big cat, which is generally speaking fast as the dickens, only moves 5. Skaeth, who is a gigantic centaur, only moves 5. All three snarlfangs from Rippa’s crew start at 4 and inspire to 5. Lighaen, a speedy cat, maxes at 5. None of the skinks, nor any skaven break 5. I mean, let’s pause here – Taros, a falcon, the fastest thing IRL, and magically heavenly to boot, still maxes at 5. Somebody has to be the fastest fighter in the underworlds, sure. Just not sure it should be her, no matter how aerodynamic her cross-back swimsuit might be. (honorable mention: The Duke’s Harriers from the Grymwatch, which have the same speed as Kalexis, despite being heavy bats chained together and dragging a corpse behind them)

3) Blooded Saek –

The maniac is on 1 dodge. You know, and I know, that man isn’t interested in dodging anything. “Dodge? Dodge this!” is probably the only thing he would ever say, if, you know, he said words. Card should read zero defense. Garrek’s Reavers are clearly OP and this is a great place to start bringing them back into line. I fully expect to see this rectified in the hopefully-soon-to-be-announced Rivals of the Mirrored City 2: Rivals-er.

2) Grinkrak the Great –

The boss gets the best gear, as is only proper. Somehow, this best gear translates to starting on 2 shield. Hello, fairness department? I’d like to file a complaint – I thought we had a deal? A fully enclosed platemail suit on a Stormcast Eternal, made of Sigmarite, which I’m told is better than any steel, who also carries a shield that’s as thick as Grinkrak himself? We’re told pretty consistently that those fighters get to start on 1 shield and only inspire to 2. Grinkrak has a chin mask, pauldrons, greaves, and what I can only presume are the same wristguards that Wonder Woman wears, because he opens the game on 2 shield. You could make the argument that he’s also shifty and sneaky and hard to pin down, but I won’t. Lil’ man needs to put on some more gear or settle for one block – even Pointy Burk, Pokin’ Snark, and Grib, who have more plate in his own warband, don’t get that defense. What’s his secret? (it’s drugs)

1) Slakeslash –

Look at the size of that weapon. It’s longer than many entire fighters, held aloft at a considerable height, wielded by an arm that has more bicep than some fighters have torso. Surely, this absolutely monstrous scimitar would bisect any fighter not named Mollog, and anybody who had armor too strong to (slake)slash through would be sent reeling with knockback 3 or somesuch. This blade, probably designed to be swung two handed from horseback by a swarthy man, somehow hits for two damage. Even inspired, it stays two damage. You mean to tell me Glisette packs the same punch? That, and she somehow can hit at range 2 but Slakeslash is only range 1? The sword itself is as long as a hex! And the lobster claw, which again is bigger than some fighters, doesn’t add anything to the damage equation? Dungeons and Dragons has a spell called Bull’s Strength (it gives +4), but our sexy cow missed the memo. Strong like Bull? Nah, Weak as Bull. Hit the gym, Slakeslash.

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I mean all of this with the utmost respect – Warhammer Underworlds is the best game I have ever played and I love every piece of it. I also understand the rules and the modeling teams are made of separate people with separate operational flow, and I’m not judging anybody, just ‘Avin a Good Time. What do you all think? Do you agree with the mismatches I outlined above? Do you have any theories that could explain them? What other mismatches can you think of (like, in what world is Rikkit range 2)? Let me know at SpentGlory@gmail.com and until next time, make sure you spend that glory!