‘Avin a Good Time is a series here on Spent Glory where we drop the serious competitive approach, skip the idea of helping new players, and ignore altogether anything useful to the community and instead just have ourselves a good time. Gurzag and the Boyz approve, and so should you.

Crimson Kheira. Blue Horror. Magore Redhand. Three colorful classics. And yet, we are missing the rest of the rainbow. These fighters clearly are out there, but they just haven’t started going by their proper titles just yet. Even worse, the current color-coded fighters are all in ‘Legends’/Legacy warbands and aren’t even valid for competitive play in Embergard. This cannot be allowed to stand!

Today on ‘Avin a Good Time, I’ll propose my candidates for which underworlds fighters exemplify the colors or the rainbow, and perhaps a few more besides. The Underworlds Underground Podcast went over how Magore might have grown up if he had a different color attached to his persona, and that rainbow-palooza led to the goofy article you’re about to read.

Red – The Gorehulk

How are you going to hand this to anybody other than Big Red himself? His bottom half starts out red, and his top half get painted red every match, by hand, with much gusto. You can try to pretend some other fighter gets to be ‘The Red’, but once ole ‘hulk finds out there’s somebody whose gots what’s his, they won’t last long.

Orange – Krookgrin

A surprisingly unpopular color outside of the Chosen Axes, Krookgirn is effectively the only fighter to sport any orange (and even that’s kinda stretching it) in their official coloration unless you got creative with Mange’s fur. this is probably because GW’s painters are cowards and afraid to paint something challenging. THERE, I SAID IT. Krookgrin also seems like the kind of guy who feels the need to be different and special, so he’d be on this in a jiffy.

Yellow – Morgok

The Krusha Boss is one flashy git who knows he looks good, ain’t got nuffin to hide, and likes to be loud in every way. Shut it, pipsqueak, da king of yellow is talkin’. Funny enough, he’s probably among the least cowardly fighters in the game, which is also the anti-yellow in a sense. My man’s got it all.

Green – Zarbag

I’ll admit I was spoiled for choice on this one and it wasn’t easy. I went with Zarbag because not only does he have a green face, he’s not afraid to show a thigh while scurrying around in those skirts. He’s got a caged sprite which is green, and the cans the Sprite comes in are green too. He casts spells out of green magic, and he’s got da Green God’s squinty glare. And you know he’s just Green with envy anytime somebody else has some shiny gubbinz that he don’t.

Blue – Ephilim the Unknowable

Realistically, Ephilim is all colors, at all times, yet also no color. But the model is primarily blue, Tzeentch has blue as their thing, the Blue Horror is like Ehpilim’s menagerie’s lil cousin, and you know they’re spitting hot flames of change that burn blue too. And they’re probably a little blue with sadness, since they went from the undisputed champs to a middle of the road warband in Embergard, which is great for us but a bummer for Eph & co.

Indigo – Cyreni of the Abyss

It’s dark and scary down in the deep. You never know what kind of undersea monstrosity is lurking where you can’t see it – but you know it can see you. Ms. Hammertide has the indigo aura locked down; she’s got the dark blue motif all over the model, hangs out with jellyfish, and does some dark magic soul business in her free time. Try and tell me purply-blue doesn’t belong the the aelves.

Violet – Vasillac the Gifted

Vasillac -> Lilac -> Luxuriant purple tones all over this guy. Purple cape, purple plume, purple fringe, purple scarification – I mean, he even smells purple. Jimi Hendrix and The Artist Formerly Known as Prince had a baby and his name is Vasillac the Gifted.

Sure, the rainbow is great, but we can’t forget all those other hues out there. I grabbed a pack of crayons my toddler discarded to see what we needed to complete our set. There are quite obviously no colors beyond whatever Crayola deems necessary in this kids’ pack that definitely hasn’t seen any colors roll under the fridge, lost to eternity.

Black – Mir Kainan

You gonna deny the Grim Reaper his color? Your boy is made of bones and is still painted black. He’s probably homies with Arkhan the Black in a way that no other fighter is too. Sorry Khagra, Zondara, Wielder of the Blade, and any other pretender to the Black Throne – this one’s been tithed, whether you like it or not.

Grey – Kro-Jax.

The spiritual successor to Gor-Rok, who may be a white scar-vet old blood or whatever those dinos call themselves, but Bro-Be-Jacked has the full pedigree to tint that white down to a solid grey. He’s got the old man strength to earn himself greybeard status. He’s got the airbrushed grey finish that tells you he’s hard as stone. His roar leaves you ashen with fear. You want the grey title? you’re gonna have to come and take it – but watch out, he bites.

White – Myari Lightcaller

Dazzling in his starched white robes, casting blazing white light in a nimbus corona about himself, Myari “Mr. Clean” Lightcaller is far and away the whitest high-aelf this side of Hysh. I understand choosing a blonde European royalty-coded guy obsessed with ‘purity’ to be the fighter that’s the most white is a bad look. You also know Myari believes all the bad stuff that stereotype caricature does. Don’t pretend he’s not one of them.

Brown – Rittak Verm

He’s brown-furred, wearing leathers, and… let’s be honest with one another. This is ‘Avin a Good Time. I chose Rittak so I could say this next line:

“He goes so fast you can barely see him in the Sidestep card art – one might even call him The Brown Streak”

A joke about skid marks, which he also leaves in multiple ways.

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Pink – Vexmor

Is he pink because he wears fancy silk? Is he pink because he’s a bloated puffer with COPD? Is he pink because of all the shiny gems? Is he pink because his hair is raw calamari? Is he pink because he’s got chafing from those tight fishnet leggings? No matter which question you pick, the answer is a resounding yes.

Teal – Skhathael

Teal is indisputably the best color available to our limited spectra of visible wavelengths, and accordingly deserves a fighter who screams ‘I’m a baller’ at every opportunity. Enter Skhatahel, who has Main Character Energy^TM. Big sword, flowing hair, power stance, stoic face, come-at-me-bro vibes, and we can’t forget that he’s made of raw teal magic fog or something. He’s literally a teal fighter. It’s like the color came alive and is hitting on 3 hammers because it deserves to.

Wrap

Obviously, I’m correct about which fighter claims which color and there’s no real debate. That said, you’re welcome to disagree and be wrong. Send me your rainbow theories at SpentGlory@gmail.com or by commenting wherever you found this article, and until next episode, make sure to spend that glory and keep ‘avin a good time!