‘Avin a Good Time is a series here on Spent Glory where we drop the serious competitive approach, skip the idea of helping new players, and ignore altogether anything useful to the community and instead just have ourselves a good time. Gurzag and the Boyz approve, and so should you.

“Listen up assassins, I’ve got a lucrative new contract for you. Fjul-Grimnir has a grudge to settle – Shadespire has been dust-binned, and everybody’s moving on to this Embergard thing. They didn’t even take his crew along but keep using their likeness in card photographs, which he’s decided to take personally. The Chosen Axes are willing to pay a lot for this contract, and they’re always good on their word. The mission is simple: find and eliminate James Workshop”

Back in First Edition Underworlds, there was a keyword “Assassin” that did nothing on its own, and was rarely interacted with by cards. I did a similar goofy exploration of old keywords – click here if you’d like to read about Priests, or here if you’d like to explore Brawlers. Today we will round out the generally underutilized keywords from first edition, and ‘ave a good time remembering the Assassins we didn’t really know or love. Who among these blades in the dark will get to James first? Who will ultimately take him down? Who will try to dupe Fjul and cash out without doing the work? Who will be assassinated by another during the hunt? I’ll present, and you’ll decide on ‘Avin a Good Time!

Click Here to access the voting form!

Meet the Guild

Arnulf – The original gangster, the first danglebro, the laughingstock of the Shadespire core box, Arnulf eventually was given the Assassin keyword retroactively to the great surprise of many. He does have grievous on a crit, so he can be ‘deadly’, to an extent. His fighter-specific upgrade quoted him saying “when you wave around the axe up high, their eyes are fixed on it. They can’t help themselves. That’s when you sink the cutter in low”. Brains, feinting, dishonorable combat, and from a Khorne warrior? Maybe he’s got what it takes after all.

Shond Headclaimer – I mean, come on guys. it’s right there in the name. Homie claims heads. He swore to his gods that he’ll do it, and that sword is mighty big. You think James can hide from this wild man? Thicc thighs bared for all to see, a glorious mohawk flapping in the wind, a picture of majesty – if I had to be assassinated, at least with Shond I would die knowing the scene would grace the cover of a romance novel.

Garodd Alensen – Generally when I think of gun-toting assassins, I imagine the long rifle kind, which would be Lund. You could also imagine the mafioso with his Tommy gun in a violin case, which would be more like Enrik. And yet it was the sword and pistol guy, plucky lil’ Garodd, who got the assassin tag. Maybe because he’s a dodgy boy… I don’t know. He could probably stick somebody with
the sword but they’d sure hear and see him coming, and wouldn’t have much trouble outrunning him either. Voter for whoever you want, but I’ll be surprised if you guys pick him for much of anything.

Kyrissa – similar story to Arnulf, she has the grievous daggers. Elves at least have the potential for stealthy maneuvers and some acrobatics. And she moves pretty fast, so maybe if papa James is just lounging about she’ll be among the first to get to him.

Lethyr – nearly the mirror of Kyrissa, she has a few advantages in her favor. First, she was noted to have joined the Blade-coven mere weeks before they shipped out to the Beastgrave, and as such has tried really hard to impress her boss and learn more secrets. She’s a go-getter. Additionally, instead of grievous, she actually gets to do the ‘deal damage’ step twice on a crit while inspired, so if there’s an equipped weapon or +1 damage/grievous from another source, she’s actually set up to do a huge hit, and it even has a nice workaround against some damage reduction cards that James might employ to keep himself safe.

Dour Cragan – I have a few thoughts, the first of which is how can you note vote for Slambo? The second is that you know he can do real damage in a scrap. That said, he is slower than your average assassin, and his warband/model actually did get ported forward to second edition/Embergard so his heart might not really be in this fight. but he wears a sick cloak made of his trophies, and so there might be some motivation to be salvaged there.

Otapatl – You want an assassin to fear? This one might top the list. He’s invisible when he wants to be, and can teleport away/around the board at will. If he tags you with one of those blowdarts you’re getting a move token, which depending on your ruleset might mean you’re not getting away either. He might not have the big flashy blades or the chilling warcry, but the chameleon skink might pull the job off without the bodyguards even knowing he was there.

Slynk Skittershank – Multiple blades, dripping with poison, and one even in a prehensile tail. We know factually he’s a deathmaster and has completed many assassinations of high profile targets and lived to tell the tale. He gets stuff done.

Synp Padpaw – an assassin who drops in from above and then vanishes in a blast of smoke might just be one that can make it work. Sure, you’ve guarded the doorways, but did you check the air vents? If James has asthma, this choice is extra deadly.

Kreep Kinwhisper – so sure he’s an assassin, but only when he’s inspired. So somebody else has to have a go at the target first before he works up the courage to help out. We’re assuming James has the means for a security detail and might weather the first few fighters who come his way, so there’s a world in which Kreep gets the contract with that net or throwing star. You just have to wonder how likely that world is.

Slythael Shadestalker – She flies. She can step between shadows and literally materialize behind u – ‘nothin personnel, kid’. Her weapons are malleable and adapt to her target’s weaknesses. She’s frankly terrifying. Her biggest risk of failure isn’t going to be whether she can pull it off, it’s whether somebody else gets in her way while she sets up the hit.

Drusylla Vyserax – I’m gonna be honest and say that I can’t hear her name without thinking of Drizella Tremaine, one of the evil stepsisters from Cinderella. And that girl couldn’t do anything right. That said, this is a different person, and she can be a blender in combat who trends in Slythael’s direction when inspired.

Valyssa Umbrael – with baked-in Combo, she gets two daggers and actually can swing them both in succession. That gives her two whole chances to do one damage! James is shaking in his boots. I shouldnt sell her short though, she alsi gets Shadow Ambush and does grab grievous on her main attack while inspired, so she’s in the top half of this field. Actually, looking at the card art, she’s clearly unhinged and actually in the ‘terrifying serial killer who enjoys this in far too many ways’ category, which gives her a significant boost.

Sylarc Greyblood – he’s got a blade, a crossbow, AND a magic lamprey spell. Three ways to possibly close out this contract, and the only wizard to have also earned the Assassin keyword. If James’ team has only prepared for the mundane, corporeal threats, that could be his edge, but it’s a slim one.

Elias Swiftblade – an armored demigod who was a master duelist in his human life, Elias is the kind of guy who is going to walk up to James’ workshop and knock on the front door, present a warrant, and then start laying into everybody there. Crazy part is there’s a chance he still succeeds. Why waste time with stealth, maps, subterfuge, and poisons when you can just start blastin’? Similar to Dour Cragan, he may have less incentive being a part of the Embergard lineup of warbands, though they only just barely squeaked in on a technicality and might be among the first rotated out.

Lascivyr, the Bladed Blessing – a frightening fighter who somehow supports themselves (multiple personalities? twin souls?” a two-for-one assassin?), this storm of bladed appendages is also a Brawler. If the first pale purple cruise missile attempt doesn’t leave the target down, the resulting whirlwind is sure to make the place an abattoir. You might think the whole “we made it to Embergard and even won the World Championships” thing might be a demotivator like some of the others, but then you remember Lascivyr owes James a personal thank you for the recent Rules Update nerf.

Wrap

Vote by clicking this link and choose an assassin for each of the following categories:

Who will get to James first?
Who will ultimately take out THE James Workshop?
Who is stupid enough to lie to Fjul-Grimnir about having done the deed for easy money?
Who will be assassinated by another during the hunt?
Who ‘accidentally’ did a little ‘friendly fire’ and eliminated a competitor or three?
Who tried to cut a deal with James’ guards?
Who got wrecked by James’ guards the hardest?
Who was too cool to accept the contract?

Anyway, I’m ‘avin a good time, and now I’m off to spend some glory. If you’re interested to read other entries in this series, click here! Vote early, vote often, and see you in the next article!