‘Avin a Good Time is a series here on Spent Glory where we drop the serious competitive approach, skip the idea of helping new players, and ignore altogether anything useful to the community and instead just have ourselves a good time. Gurzag and the Boyz approve, and so should you.

We’ve finally made it to the best time of the year – Baseball Season. Spring training recently got underway, the World Baseball Classic has been KILLER, and I’m currently gearing up for watching 162 games of my San Francisco Giants going 0.500 and missing the playoffs by a handful of games AGAIN.

Baseball is the American Pastime, the best sport on earth, and totally works for Underworlds character plug-ins as a form of sportsball fan fiction. I’ve cooked up rosters for each Grand Alliance and welcome all your managerial disagreements in the comments or at SpentGlory@gmail.com

I’ll explain baseball in brief to you Europeans since you’re way behind the Western Hemisphere on this one. You’re going to like it, because much like Underworlds, Baseball is a turn-based strategy game. If you can tolerate American Football/Blood Bowl, you should be able to get into this.

Baseball is a game wherein nine players take to the field for one team. A pitcher throws the ball to the catcher, and the opposing batter attempts to hit that ball into a 90-degree field of play. The fielding team then attempts to catch the ball before it falls to the ground to get an out, and failing that, to throw the ball in to the base before the batter-turned-runner can get there. It’s like cricket, but substantially better and more difficult and no I will not be taking questions at this time.

Generally speaking, pitchers need good arm strength and flexibility as well as a strategic mind, or at least an intelligent catcher who can give them signals on what pitch to throw and where. The first baseman needs to be able to do the splits and reach real far for the ball. The other infielders need to have quick reaction times – the second baseman and shortstop prioritize dexterity while the third baseman prioritizes accurate and powerful throwing into first. They’re also the coolest dudes who sit on the ‘hot corner’ and get all the ladies and I’m only saying this because I played third growing up.

Outfielders need good eyes, an immense tolerance for heckling from the crowd, and great running speed and/or jumping ability. The center fielder is the champion who covers the most ground and has the best speed. The right fielder needs the better arm strength, and the left fielder will see the ball more frequently than the right.

All players also need to take their turn at batting a few times throughout the game, which is among the most challenging feats in the sporting world. A great batter has excellent hand-eye coordination and arm speed, but also the ability to quickly make decisions based on the briefest visual cues from the pitched ball. It also helps if they have good strength in the arms, chest, shoulders, back, hips, legs, and ya know, everywhere, so they can hit dingers, bombs, and other Home Run slang. In some rule formats, the pitcher generally does not bat and a Designated Hitter (who does not field defensively) takes their place.

With that in mind, I’ve chosen fighters from each Grand Alliance to make up the starters for Opening Day in a theoretical 4-team Underworlds Baseball League. I’ve tried to scatter choices across warbands for equitable representation as well. There’s tons of nuance in batting order and I’m going to save effort and shield myself from further potential criticism from the half-dozen WHU/Baseball combo fans by not listing that.

Chaos

SP – Ephilim the Unknowable can probably apply insane spin rates on their breaking ball even before the literal wizardry comes into things. Plus you’ll never guess what pitch they have in mind.
C – Zuldrakka the Hateful can hold that squat for 27 outs and would relish the chance to catch someone stealing.
1B – Ghulgoch the Butcher feels no pain, will stay with his foot planted on the bag, and makes for an excellent contact and power hitter.
2B – Khagra the Usurper is a defensive powerhouse with more than enough offensive output for a second baseman
3B – Vasillac the Gifted has a preternatural reaction time, can throw darts from across the diamond, and as I mentioned before the third basemen get all the ladies.
SS – Lascivyr, the Bladed Blessing is perhaps the only being with a quicker reaction speed than Vasillac, and would be terrifying to pitch to.
LF – Throkk is likely to superman dive for every ball and wouldn’t hesitate to go thundering into the stands to catch a foul. He’s pretty accurate when swinging two-handed as well.
CF – Rittak Verm might technically be cheating with a motor vehicle, but nobody covers more turf in less time.
RF – Skritch Spiteclaw is the greatest, can probably gun somebody down chugging for extra bases, and can climb the wall better than anybody.
DH – The Gorehulk, should he make contact, is sending that ball into orbit. He’s also pretty easy to draw a hit-by-pitch with. I bet he sells hella jerseys too. Half the stadium will be wearing #8!

Manager: Skittershank as he will be ruthless in his decision making, able to convince his pitchers to hand over the ball, and he’s just DARING the umpire to toss him from the game.
Grandfather’s Gardeners are the Chaos Stadium’s grounds crew and will definitely give them a home-field advantage.

Death

SP – The Briar Queen can whip a cutter as well as anybody, loves the spotlight, and more importantly, HATES the batter
C – Sir Jedran Falseborn is the Bulwark you want blocking passed balls, and if there’s a collision at the plate, I know who’s coming out the winner.
1B – Mir Kainan has incredibly long limbs, great discipline, and good lord would I hate to pitch to him.
2B – Young Master Kretch is a lithe and quick dude who punches above his weight class at the plate
3B – Gorath the Enforcer has solid arm strength and while his top speed is low, you know he has a hair-trigger impulse to snag a line drive
SS – Gristlewell, Greatsword shares the aerodynamic grace of his FEC kin and is well accustomed to thundering home run swings with the bat
LF – Prentice Marcov is exactly the type of shrewd spider who can play outfield well
CF – Lost Ferlain; everybody knows dogs can play fetch the best, and zamn zaddy can run
RF – Ennias Curseborn has a wicked top speed and can fly, which is probably against the rules, but when has that stopped him?
DH – Wielder of the Blade would have the absolute sickest walk-up dirge. Just imagine the slap when he makes contact with a meatball.

Manager: The Sepulchral Warden is well equipped to keep his players in line and marching to his orders.
Grounds crew will be Zondara’s Zombies, and Gristla and the Royal Butcher can run concessions. Wonder what’s in that hot dog…

Destruction

SP – Mollog the Mighty knows how to Chuck ’em in and probably has a wicked fastball
C – Skolko and Pronk make an excellent backstop and can fire off pickoff attempts with that slingshot. Also, two heads are better than one for calling pitches
1B – Gorlok Blackpowder has the sea-legs you need to make the stretch rather than walk the plank, and he’ll bat as well as you’d need a first baseman to.
2B – Prog da Netta – nothing gets past this middle infielder. #WebGems
3B – Hrothgorn Mantrapper is a predator and will FIRE that ball over to first in time for the out.
SS – Torka Tuffskull is great at grabbin’ and an excellent support piece if you catch my pun
LF – Rippa Narkbad can get anywhere with his loping strides and will swat anything near the zone when he’s up to bat
CF – Gribb Da Wonky Lance has the speed and the vertical leap to make the play. He’s not half bad with the mallet at bat either.
RF – Uglug has masive arms and hands, great for catching and hurling in from the wall. He’s also quite proficient swinging a club.
DH – ‘Ardskull is easily too dumb to play defense in any capacity, but there’s nobody who will bat-flip with as much raucous joy after a home run like he would.

Manager: Daggok Sign-Steala is not afraid to cheat in any and all ways. Sticky Stuff? Check. Steroids? You know it. Performance-enhancing substances? He’s got the hookup. Lip reading? The only kinda readin’ he does.
Grounds crew? lol, lmao even. Snorbo do Spore can probably do some wild things with a pipe organ though, and Drizzgit da squig herder would look great as a “GET your Cracker Jacks HEEEEAH!” concessions salesman wandering the stands with that backpack charcoal grill.
Quiv looks like he’d make an excellent Bat Boy while we’re at it.

Order

Damn this one looks stacked

SP – Myari Lightcaller could throw a perfect game…
C – Thundrik cannot be stolen on, as those bases are his by right
1B – Kro-Jax the Aegis is likely chosen more for offense than defense, but with his brute size he can probably play first well enough.
2B – Friar Galvic can put his bat on the ball no problem, and wouldn’t be half bad as a middle infielder.
3B – Dhoraz Giant-Fell has never seen an elevated fastball he didn’t like, and presumably has the arm strength to play third.
SS – Farasa Twice-Risen is lightning quick and can turn double plays in her sleep
LF – Ylarin will run down anything that enters his territory without mercy
CF – Slythael Shadestalker – why emphasize foot speed (which she has in plenty) when you can teleport? A literal black hole for balls to die in.
RF – Sanson Farstrider can hoof it and fire a strike to whichever base your runner is attempting on.
DH – Brodus Blightbane not only can swing a huge beatstick, but later in the game he gets more accurate and if he crits he’ll even gain speed.

Manager: Kixi-Taka the Diviner has a Great Plan, loves when his team loads the bases, and just look how he reveres the ball.
Grounds crew can be none other than Ylthari’ Guardians, and Hexbane and co will be on stadium security because of COURSE Order brought the cops.

Wrap

I hope you had fun reading this, which was fun for me to write. Let me know what substitutions you might have for each team, and who you think will win the pennant. My money is on Order currently, but anybody (except maybe Destruction) could take it. I’d also love to hear what other sports you think the WHU roster might want to play in the future.

Whether you’re playing 9 innings or 12 activations, I hope you have fun spending glory in the field of dreams.