‘Avin a Good Time is a series here on Spent Glory where we drop the serious competitive approach, skip the idea of helping new players, and ignore altogether anything useful to the community and instead just have ourselves a good time. Gurzag and the Boyz approve, and so should you.

All’s fair in love and warhammer, so it’s time for everybody’s favorite game show, the Bachelorette! This season’s lucky lady is the Briar Queen, and she’ll get to have her pick of the Grand Alliance Death’s most eligible beaus this side of the River Styx. You know, the Underworlds’ side.

Our Bachelorette is a woman who is strong willed, has a bit of a mean streak, but is still a girl’s girl deep down. She loves roses, but is not without her thorns. Who among the eligible Death gentlemen can win her spectral heart and spend an eternity in repose with this lovely maiden? Let’s review the contestants from the other in-rotation warbands, where I’ll make a case for each. Than you, dear reader, will have the chance to weigh in on where each one will fall along the romantic path of this imaginary television series. Who will win the competition and marry the Queen? Who will be sent home on the first day? You decide, on tonight’s episode on ‘Avin a Good Time.

Click here for a link to the voting form

Contenders

Prince Duvalle

He’s a prince, he’s got great hair, he has that come hither finger, and a refined taste in drinks. Probably the best arm candy she’s going to get out of this batch of bachelors, and you do get the feeling ole Briar Queen does care about appearances to an extent. A gent in the streets but potentially a savage beast in the sheets, Duvalle might have it all. His biggest downside is that he might not let her feel like she’s in change, and she’s used to being a queen. Power struggles could definitely sink this loveboat, but will he be able to keep up the vampiric charm long enough to win the contest? There’s also the chance he loses interest since she’s, you know, bloodless. You can bet Dvualle stays thirsty.

Duke Crackmarrow

He Protec, but he also Attac. A man used to sallying forth to defend his supposed kingdom, it will be a natural transition to attach his delusional chivalry to a new bride. He has the advantage of royalty, and dukes are pretty up there in the hierarchy, but he’s also definitely below a queen on the pecking order so he won’t necessarily be a threat like Prince Duvalle. To his detriment he probably smells really bad and would be difficult to show off to the girls at a royal ball or what have you. And can you imagine kissing that guy?

Mir Kainan

A priest of his cult with high-level authority, he’s also Tall, Dark, and (potentially, I guess) Handsome. The guy spends all his time chasing cash, and has stacks of bones in his vault to prove it. The Briar Queen might enjoy the strong silent type too – Mir Kainan is only quoted once in any card across both editions of the game. If you like them big, you like them rich, and you like them to provide, you can do worse than Mir Kainan. Unfortunately he probably isn’t that interested in romance, or anything to do with ghosts in general. Will she see him as mysterious and alluring, or cold and distant? (Is she into cold and distant dudes? I actually have no idea what she wants besides the torture of intruders into the Nightvault)

Lost Ferlain

A hopeless romantic, capable of puppy love, Ferlain is by far the warmest and most comforting bachelor of the bunch. Sure, he has a girl back home, but every season of a dating reality show has to have some “I should have told you my divorce isn’t finalized yet” type twist to reveal in episode 5. If you’re looking for love, Ferlain has that to spare, and for all we know he isn’t even sure who Zondara is. Just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean the Briar Queen can’t score, after all. And she does seem like the type to prefer a lapdog who wants nothing more than to serve her every whim.

Wielder of the Blade

To some, size matters. The Wielder is swingin’ the biggest thang out of any of these guys, and he’s the thiccest of the bunch to boot. A blue-collar working man who takes satisfaction in his hands-on job, he’ll be able to provide for the stay-at-home deathstyle the Queen might prefer. The biggest red flag this contestant has is that he’s always projecting blame and guilt onto others, so once the honeymoon phase is over the fights are going to escalate pretty quickly. The Queen loves to shout people down herself when not dishing out withering glares, so it might be a short-lived, fiery fling – but if he can hold it together through the season he might still take home that final rose. I also wouldn’t put it past him to decapitate some of the other competitors to thin the field, as it were.

The Sepulchral Warden

These two have a lot in common. They’re from the same hometown, both in life and in death. They probably know a lot of the same people, maybe even went to high school together. She spent an eternity running a prison underground, and he did the same thing up top. Conversation is going to be just so easy to initiate for these two, and the best way to build chemistry is shared experience. He’s not as flashy or sexy as the other guys, his job title and prestige are far beneath a Queen’s, and for all we know they already tried a relationship once or twice before. Despite all that, you gotta give my man the Warden good odds to take this thing. Plus, the story would sell in the tabloids and that’s half the scripting for these shows anyway.

Young Master Kretch

A youthful, spry body, and possessed of a mind long accustomed to taking orders from an older woman, Kretch might be just what the queen is looking for. Plus, everybody loves a man who knows how to cook. He’s a chef for cryin’ out loud! He can source the most eclectic sweet meats and he’s always on the prowl for that prime cut. For the girl who wants a fully stocked larder and the sickest spread on the banquet table, you simply must spring for the young master. That said, he’s inexperienced, not a leader, and let’s face facts – his hair is atrocious. And have you seen those toenails? Plus, what will the other golden gals think, with the Queen robbing the cradle like that?

Now that we have seen our boys and their romantic prospects, let’s get down to voting. Click here for a link to the voting form to help determine which of these gents is most likely to get sent home at the first rose ceremony, most likely to be the first invited to the fantasy suite, most likely to ‘you can’t fire me, I quit’, most likely to spend more time bro-ing out with the other dudes than chasing the girl, and of course, the ultimate winner who is most likely to win the final rose and marry the Bachelorette.

Wrap

Now that we have met the fine men from beyond the grave who will view for our Bachelorette’s consideration, all that’s left is to get down to voting. CLICK HERE to cast your vote for each of the following categories:

• Most likely to get sent home at the first rose ceremony
• Most likely to say “I think I love you” WAY too early and not have it reciprocated
• Most likely to be the first invited to the fantasy suite
• Most likely to pull a ‘you can’t fire me, I quit’ and walk out of the competition mid-episode
• Most likely to spend more time bro-ing out with the other dudes than chasing the girl
• Most likely to start a fist fight at the open bar
• Most likely to win the final rose and marry the Bachelorette

Anyway, I’m ‘avin a good time, and now I’m off to spend some glory. If you’re interested to read other entries in this series, click here! Vote early, vote often, and see you in the next article!