‘Avin a Good Time is a series here on Spent Glory where we drop the serious competitive approach, skip the idea of helping new players, and ignore altogether anything useful to the community and instead just have ourselves a good time. Gurzag and the Boyz approve, and so should you.

A few weeks ago, the inaugural season of the Underworlds Bachelorette premiered, in which we saw The Briar Queen’s affections battled over by the finest gentlemen the Death Grand Alliance had to offer. Several hundred of you read the article, and some had the desire to vote and make commentary on what was surely the finest reality TV contest of all time. Let’s review the contestants and categories before diving into the votes.

The Contestants:

Prince Duvalle
Duke Crackmarrow
Mir Kainan
Lost Ferlain
Wielder of the Blade
The Sepulchral Warden
Young Master Kretch

The Award Categories:

Most likely to get sent home at the first rose ceremony
Most likely to say “I think I love you” WAY too early and not have it reciprocated
Most likely to be the first invited to the fantasy suite
Most likely to pull a ‘you can’t fire me, I quit’ and walk out of the competition mid-episode
Most likely to spend more time bro-ing out with the other dudes than chasing the girl
Most likely to start a fist fight at the open bar
Most likely to win the final rose and marry the Bachelorette

Most likely to get sent home at the first rose ceremony

Winner: Young Master Kretch

With over 30% of the vote, it was clear the people felt there would be no real connection between these two and believed she’d drop him from the contest early. It makes sense, seeing as she’s roughly 1,000 years his senior and has no haunches for him to covet. Passing ships in the night, wondering what could have been.

Choice comments:
The queen can’t enjoy his cooking. Asset becomes a non-factor.
Briar Queen already has her hands full with her swarm of minions, she won’t want to deal with a young hothead.
Who? 🤷🏻‍♂️

Most likely to say “I think I love you” WAY too early and not have it reciprocated

Winner: Lost Ferlain

As we discussed at the outset, Ferlain is a romantic at heart. Love is all he knows! Well, that and savage brutality with crit grievous. Sure, this girl isn’t his main squeeze, but when he’s spent the last who knows how long dripping with I love you’s it’s hard to shake the habit. He also probably can’t read the Queen’s vibe well and missed all the stop signs as he sang his ballad in the pale moonlight.

Choice comments:
He seems the type, especially if your back story for them is true
Not only says I love you too early, but insists on calling the Briar Queen Mommy
He’s a hopeless romantic without much self-control.

Most likely to be the first invited to the fantasy suite

Winner: Prince Duvalle

Whether it was the magic in that index finger casting his dark glamour, or whether the Briar Queen was just willing to let him think the trick worked, this one was a no-brainer. A full 50% of the votes for this category went to our crimson courtier, because, think about it; if it were YOU, which one of these are you going to bed with? Be honest, he’s hot. That, and the rest of the field is kind of the opposite.

Choice Comments:
She has to see if the rumors are true. Things get awkward when the rest of his crew also arrive.
This may be bias, but I would invite him that sexy prince
Got that vampiric charm/rizz
In these competitions, beefslabs always get picked early on
He’s got natural charm and vampire glamour, he’s at least getting some action.

Bonus comment: “Duke Crackmarrow literally lives in a fantasy”

Most likely to pull a ‘you can’t fire me, I quit’ and walk out of the competition mid-episode

Winner: Mir Kainan

Why Kainan even bothered to attend the event in the first place is a real mystery. About as likely to look for or find love as the Stalagsquig, it’s only a matter of time before he just packs his bag and walks out the door without saying goodbye. He wouldn’t do it in the avoidance of rejection/petty revenge, dude just literally don’t give AF.

Choice Comments:

He’s clearly married to his work and won’t stop talking about this Bone Tithe like it’s the next Bitcoin.
No bones to collect for the tithe
He came to kick ass and chew bubble gum, but neither of them are on the table here so he’s gone

Most likely to spend more time bro-ing out with the other dudes than chasing the girl

Winner: Wielder of the Blade

He’s a showman, he’s blue collar, he’s always, ALWAYS got a homie around, even if he has to make one himself. Who else would be more into cracking a beer and chilling on the couch taking about skulls? He’s also immensely patient and likely in no rush to chase down the queen.

Choice Comments:

Not sure he’s ever had a romantic thought
You know who has heads? Everybody except the Briar Queen

Most likely to start a fist fight at the open bar

Winner: Duke Crackmarrow

Whether he believes he’s defending the lady’s honor after Duvalle makes a sexual comment, taking offense to the Speulchral Warden not buying his cover story, or a political disagreement with Kretch about some flesh eater court drama, it’s always this guy. Plus, a naked psychopath swinging at the other contestants makes for great TV, so you can be sure the camera crew spikes his drink or pipes in an insult to his earpiece or something to force the issue.

Choice comments:

Someone insults his homeland and suddenly you can understand even less of what he says.
Delusions + alcohol is a recipe for a bar fight
The creaky voice he’s got sounds like he’s laughing at you and that’ll rub half these guys the wrong way

Most likely to win the final rose and marry the Bachelorette

Winner: The Sepulchral Warden

They have history, shared roots, and he’s like, actually not insane. Except for the whole eternal petitioning for Nagash’s forgiveness or whatever, but she sort of has that going on too. We also know the Warden is the king of playing the long game as well as claiming the prize and demonstrating supremacy. Hold Treasure Token 1.

Choice comments:

The quiet one, total upset for the viewers. They date for a few decades but it eventually falls apart when the public attention becomes too much for the warden’s simple upbringing.
He’ll show her how he “Arise!” ‘s!
After all is said and done, the home grown romance is to fairytale of an ending to not happen. And they all roamed the nightvault happily ever after
It’s a match made in Shadespire. They always circled around and each other early in life, with overlapping friend groups but never seemed to find themselves in the same place at the same time. Until now.
Man knows where the keys go 😉

Comments on the contest overall

10/10 this was so fun
More for the other grand alliances please!
Possibly the best one of these yet
Whoever wins better watch out for Varclav, I get real jealous underling energy from him
Mir Kainan spends the entire season never saying a word. The Prince shit talks everyone and gets punched by Ferlain in the mid-season brawl. Kretch gets his own Jersey Shore-esque spinoff
The queen wouldn’t mind the smell of Crackmarrow, she doesn’t have a nose
I don’t see her as the settling-down type, frankly. Always jumping around.

And my personal favorite:

He’ll bypass the guards and distract the watch,
Take the city for her spectral touch,
Proclaiming these are our streets,
Grasping thorns in the sheets,
The Tides of Death eb in thy deathly clutch.

Wrap

Thanks for playing with me! I have a few more good times to be ‘ad in the works, but if you have any other ideas you’d like to see explored (or dumb stuff you want to write an essay on, whatever works friends) let me know by emailing SpentGlory@gmail.com and until next time, make sure to ‘ave a good time!

If you’re interested to read other entries in this series, click here! See you in the next article!