‘Avin a Good Time is a series here on Spent Glory where we drop the serious competitive approach, skip the idea of helping new players, and ignore altogether anything useful to the community and instead just have ourselves a good time. Gurzag and the Boyz approve, and so should you.
Welcome to the kitchen, friends! For the fans of shows like GBBO, Iron Chef, and more, there’s no reason to assume Underworlds warbands wouldn’t want something similar. Well, it’s possible at least, I guess. For ‘avin a good time, we’re going to assume that our favorite fighters both care about this kind of thing and also are willing to put aside their differences for a different kind of competition: the culinary variety.
Our two judges for the contest will be Gristla Tenderhooke (the pro) and Hrothgorn Mantrapper (who likes food) since that’s how they always do these stupid shows. Not sure who the Old Gregg/color commentary stand-in would be, so let’s just say it’s Prentice Marcov.
In fairness, it must be that nobody from their warbands can compete. Sorry Kretch!
I’ve selected 2 food-prep ‘experts’ from each grand alliance to compete in the competition, and you’ll be voting on the outcome. Let’s look at who, and then what, will be all over the Spitewood Baking Contest.
Contestants
Tokkor the Immolator: The Duardin loves a good roast, and he’s been specializing in flambe, hickory smoked flavor, and all the rest.
Phlegmus Potbelly: He is never without his trusted cookware, and when you need sauces, jellies, soups, and the creamiest remoulades this side of the garden, you know he’s got it covered (with ticks and flies)
Elathain: He is a cold, calculating perfectionist and is the Sashimi expert in the Underworlds. His dishes will likely take your breath away, and then potentially your soul.
Dhoraz Giantfell: “The Tenderizer” knows his way around food – as a formal tribal chieftain he spent plenty of time at feasts, and being a man’s man he probably spent much of his mortal life at their equivalent of the cookout grill, wearing a ‘kiss the chef’ apron. He eats good, and with the level of grooming his facial hair has, it suggests he cooks good too.
Zarbag: Puts effort into lugging around his cauldron, and while it’s a stretch to call its contents mushroom barley stew, he does have a knack for bubbling brews.
Drizgit da Squig Herder: Most definitely a grillmaster and carries his charcoal everywhere, staying lit AF in the process. While Hank Hill shudders at the lack of propane and propane accessories, even he has to respect the style points Drizgit earns by branding his steaks.
The Royal Butcher: He is, at least in his mind, an excellent meal prep guy. He’s got loads of meat hooks and while you’d better prefer your meat cooked rare, there’s a chance that mouth-watering sensation is from his craft and not the psychic rabies radiating off of him.
Zondara Rivenheart: She might not strike you as a kitchen maid. But you know she has potions experience which is basically cooking, and she has a big old book of spells which are basically recipes. Look man, I couldn’t have two Grymwatch fighters from Death right after I did two Gitz for Destruction. Work with me here.
Events
Ghyranian Elegance: vegan pies
Alternative Ingredients: Can you improvise? Bake a cake with Gluten-free flour
Veal Sausage: Anything you want, but it must contain veal sausage. Sorry Ylarin.
Honey Walnut Surprise: prepare a dish of your choice with either honey or walnuts but not both. With 30 minutes left, you’ll receive a cup of the one you didn’t choose, and must integrate it into your dish.
Specialty mixed Drinks: giant spears of appetizers alongside your Bloody Mary are not only accepted, but encouraged.
Mushroom Mandate: Each contestant is handed a basket with 2 pounds of mixed wild mushrooms. They must prepare a dish with mushrooms as the main ingredient while also not poisoning the judges. A blend of cooking skill and foraging knowledge, necessary for any true chef of Ghyran.
Dip Stix: Fondue, and you also have to bake your breads to go with it
Finally, the Finale: Dessert masterclass, with no restrictions. Time to pull out all the stops!
Wrap
You’ll have the opportunity to rate each chef on each contest category/episode: a failure (by not finishing in time, violating some rule, you name it), or a qualifying dish earning between 1-5 stars with 5 being the highest.
In a few weeks, I’ll summarize your votes and comments, and present the winner of each category and the winner overall. May the best chef/grand alliance win! Click the big ole pink link above and let your voice be heard. Anyway, I’m ‘avin a good time, and now I’m off to spend some glory. If you’re interested to read other entries in this series, click here! Vote early, vote often, and see you in the next article!
Spent Glory 
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